Life Lessons from STAR WARS

"Anakin, if one is to understand the great mystery, one must study all its aspects, not just the dogmatic, narrow view of the Jedi. If you wish to become a complete and wise leader, you must embrace a larger view of the Force. Be careful of the Jedi, Anakin. They fear you. In time they will destroy you. Let me train you." -Palpatine

Dear Annie,

Despite our fundamental differences, Jason and I have been tried-and-true friends for a few years now. We don't have tons in common except a love of good food, bad movies, and an unhealthy obsession with Apolo Ohno, the olympic speed skater.

Apolo

Last night we went on a walk, during which he was struck with the idea of becoming my dating manager:

"You know what you need to do Lisa? From now on you need to run all your boyfriends through me. How about we make a business card with a photo of you on it, and my number on the back. It could say, For dates with Lisa, please contact Jason at-"

"I don't know if I trust you to pick me out a decent date!"

"What do you mean?! I know exactly what you're looking for!"

"He has to be a Christian... and conservative!"

"How do you feel about taking some provocative photos?"

"Jason! Sometimes I think your goal in life is to corrupt me."

"Hey, I know what you need, a night of unbridled passion with Apolo Ohno. Maybe I could arrange that."

"No!"

PALPATINE: Remember back to your early teachings. Anakin. "All those who gain power are afraid to lose it." Even the Jedi.

ANAKIN: The Jedi use their power for good.

PALPATINE: Good is a point of view, Anakin. And the Jedi point of view is not the only valid one. The Dark Lords of the Sith believe in security and justice also, yet they are considered by the Jedi to be. . .

ANAKIN: . . . evil.

Anakin Lisa

"Oh come on, Lisa. Don't even try to tell me you could resist sleeping with Apolo Ohno."

"Yes I could."

"No you couldn't."

"I don't want to have a one night stand with Apolo Ohno!"

"Well he's too busy for a relationship. What if you met him at a party, and he was so taken with you he said, 'I travel a lot, so I'm not looking for anything serious, but I would love just one night with you' HOW COULD YOU SAY NO TO THAT?"

"No."

Jason gives up. We walk a little farther. There is silence and much contemplation as the sun sets.

"Ok fine. You win. I'd sleep with Apolo Ohno!"

Jason's face lights up. "Goooooood!!!"

I laugh.

Palpatine Jason

ANAKIN: What have I done?

PALPATINE: You are fulfilling your destiny, Anakin. Become my apprentice. Learn to use the dark side of the Force.

ANAKIN: I will do whatever you ask.

PALPATINE: Goooood!

ANAKIN: I pledge myself to your teachings. To the ways of the Sith.

PALPATINE: Good. Good. The Force is strong with you. A powerful Sith you will become. Henceforth, you shall be known as Darth . . . Vader.

ANAKIN: Thank you, my Master.

PALPATINE: Rise, Darth Vader.

"Just let me be your mentor, Lisa. I'll teach you the ways of the dark side. You like Ewan McGregor, right?"

"Yes."

"What if you met him, and he said, in his best Obi-Wan Kenobi voice: "Lisa, I don't make it to this part of the universe very often, but I couldn't help but notice you from across the room. How about we go back to my hotel and..."

"Ahhh! Ok! I give up!"

Chat with Craig

Craig

hi

12:37pmMe

hi

12:38pmCraig

my friend told me 795-chat makes it sound like I'm trying to run a late night singles chat line.

haha

12:40pmMe

ha ha

yeah

true

12:40pmCraig

so I'm thinking about changing my number again

615-663-6673 is available

what do you think? easy to remember? or too many 6 and 3

12:43pmMe

we live in an era where people don't know any phone numbers. we just save them in our cell phones and dial a person by name. you are overthinking your number

12:44pmCraig

true, but that's what I do

so what do you think of the number?

12:45pmMe

it's fine. i don't know. i'm not good at remembering numbers unless it is 123 456 7890

12:45pmCraig

how about 615-one-nose

that's what it spells, haha

12:45pmMe

uh huh...

12:46pmCraig

so I could point at my nose and say "how many do I have"

12:46pmMe

:p

12:47pmMe

how about:

615-IMA-DORK

615-IMA-NERD

615-IMA-GEEK

ha ha ha

12:47pmCraig

I think I checked those already

Sunday Sermon Notes

There's nothing more riveting on a Sunday morning than a good old-fashioned "end of times" sermon.

70 Weeks Prophecy

Lisa Gilbert

(green ink on archival offering envelope)

10 (+) Year Old Valentine

Dear Annie,

Sorting through all of my old letters tonight, I ran across a stack of mail from my parents, which they had sent me while I was in boarding academy and college. A couple stood out above the rest.

One is a Valentine's Day card from February of 1997, when I was 17. It says:

"Daughter, our Valentine wish for you is the same as always... that Cupid will take aim at a well-mannered young gentleman with a good job who has nothing pierced or tattooed."

The funniest part of the card is what my Father wrote underneath:

"- and no sooner than 10 years from now!" Love Daddy

Thanks a lot, DADDY! And he wonders why he doesn't have any grandchildren yet! (Out of spite I've given him two more years than his request!)

Another highlight is a poem that my mother copied down for me in a letter. It reminded me of you!

It ever has been since time began,

and ever will be, till time lose breath,

That love is a mood- no more- to man,

And love to a woman is life or death.

- Ella Wheeler Wilcox 1850 - 1919

Love,

Taintedsky

Saturday Night Baker

Dear Annie,

This evening I found myself driving through an LAPD checkpoint.

"Ma'am, have you had anything to drink tonight?"

There are so many witty retorts I could have used:

"I wish."

"Not yet."

"You busy later?"

"Is it free drink night with the LAPD? I'll

take an Amaretto Sour."

But as the officer bent over and shined his flashlight on me, it was apparent by the look on his face that he did not require an answer. My corduroy pants, cleavageless shirt, messy hair and salivating mouth, made it obvious that I was a girl on a different sort of mission.

Operation: ACQUIRE CHOCOLATE

That's right, Christian girls don't drink. Instead, I sheepishly said "No," and drove on to the grocery store, where I had to suffer through the humiliation of a bag boy making fun of my ever so conspicuous shopping cart.

"Mmmm. Mmmm. Ghirardelli double chocolate brownies. You know you could get a Hershey's bar to go with this on aisle 4... or a nice carton of homogenized whole milk."

I informed him that the two pints of Häagen-Dazs accompanying my purchase would suffice.



Now it is midnight, and I have a whole batch of brownies sitting on my counter along with those pints of Vanilla and Amazon Valley Chocolate ice cream in my freezer (which I barely touched).

I think I have finished reading all three amusing posts on craigslist for the night, so now it is time to go to sleep.

MADE BROWNIES, CAN'T FINISH - 29 - (North Hollywood)

I made brownies tonight and there is no way I'll be able to eat them all by myself.

I'm a SWF, cute, intelligent, not fat (yet), looking for a kind, honest, Christian man who likes baked goods. If we have a connection, there may be room for seconds.

Must love ice cream.

No nuts.

Delectably Yours,
Taintedsky

To My Future Children

Dear Annie,

The only time I ignored a fire alarm, there was actually a fire.

This incident occurred at boarding academy one lazy afternoon, and it wasn't until I heard girls running through the hallway, screams, and doors slamming that I finally felt curious enough to see what the fuss was all about. I opened my door and the entire hall was filled with smoke.

“Huh.”

It wasn't my fault that I had ignored the alarm. I'll blame my dawdling on many years of fire drills in elementary school. The administration, for some reason, felt the need to train the students what to do in the event that there was a real fire. All it did, instead, was render us immune to the screeching sound and its intended warning.

The absolute worst drill in school was the one they set off for earthquakes. The noise it made was akin, perhaps, to a rebel yell: a wail both completely indescribable and terrifyingly chilling. It made my skin crawl. I don't understand the purpose of an earthquake alarm: do you really need to be notified that the ground beneath your feet is shaking violently?

Now that I think about it, my childhood was filled with apocalyptic warnings, mostly from my loving parents cautioning me weekly as to the trials and tribulations my future would hold if I did not heed their every word. My father used to tell me: “A foolish man learns from his own mistakes, a wise man learns from the mistakes of others.” But of course I didn't understand or listen to half of what they told me until it was too late. Only now am I learning to obey my mother when she gives me advice, and it is still tough, even at 29. When I'm struggling with potential life changing decisions, I have to call her repeatedly and let her brainwash me for hours on end so that I don't screw up my life. The sad truth of it is that she has never been wrong. Never.

Why is wisdom so counterintuitive?

A year or two ago I tried to create a YouTube video for my future children. I thought that perhaps my 15 year old daughter would rather listen to a semi-wizened 27 year old Lisa than to her painfully uncool, decrepit old mother (who uses words like "uncool"). I never posted the video because, after I edited it, I looked so old and boring in the thing that it depressed me.

So, I've decided that I shall write my sage advice here, instead.

Advice for My Future Children

One.
To a Daughter: Wait till you are at least 20 to start dating.

To a Son: Wait till you are at least 30 to start dating.

Two.
Daughter: Challenge yourself, have a myriad of hobbies. The sooner you figure out what your passion is and develop it, the better chance you have of turning it into a successful career.

Son: Don't play video games.

Three.
Daughter: Read lots of books by old dead guys.

Son: The word "tomorrow" is not spelled "tommarow." And please learn the difference between "your" and "you're."

Four.
Daughter: A certain kind of man will say anything to get whatever it is he wants from you. Yes, anything! He will tell you you are the most beautiful woman he has ever met, he will say he loves you, he will tell you you are the reason for which he exists if he thinks these words will help him accomplish his mission. And then, when he gets what he wants or you don't live up to his expectations, he will discard you like a used piece of rubbish. Run from a man who promises you the world.

Son: Contraceptives are not foolproof. Don't be a fool.

Five.
Daughter: Learn the art of femininity: how to dress, poise, etiquette. Wear dangling earrings, curl your hair, but don't put on too much make up - just enough will do.

Son: Brush your teeth.

Love,
Taintedsky

Amazing Grace

John Newton
(1725-1807)

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Then when we've first begun.