Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Life Lessons from STAR WARS

"Anakin, if one is to understand the great mystery, one must study all its aspects, not just the dogmatic, narrow view of the Jedi. If you wish to become a complete and wise leader, you must embrace a larger view of the Force. Be careful of the Jedi, Anakin. They fear you. In time they will destroy you. Let me train you." -Palpatine

Dear Annie,

Despite our fundamental differences, Jason and I have been tried-and-true friends for a few years now. We don't have tons in common except a love of good food, bad movies, and an unhealthy obsession with Apolo Ohno, the olympic speed skater.


Last night we went on a walk, during which he was struck with the idea of becoming my dating manager:

"You know what you need to do Lisa? From now on you need to run all your boyfriends through me. How about we make a business card with a photo of you on it, and my number on the back. It could say, For dates with Lisa, please contact Jason at-"

"I don't know if I trust you to pick me out a decent date!"

"What do you mean?! I know exactly what you're looking for!"

"He has to be a Christian... and conservative!"

"How do you feel about taking some provocative photos?"

"Jason! Sometimes I think your goal in life is to corrupt me."

"Hey, I know what you need, a night of unbridled passion with Apolo Ohno. Maybe I could arrange that."


PALPATINE: Remember back to your early teachings. Anakin. "All those who gain power are afraid to lose it." Even the Jedi.

ANAKIN: The Jedi use their power for good.

PALPATINE: Good is a point of view, Anakin. And the Jedi point of view is not the only valid one. The Dark Lords of the Sith believe in security and justice also, yet they are considered by the Jedi to be. . .

ANAKIN: . . . evil.

Anakin Lisa

"Oh come on, Lisa. Don't even try to tell me you could resist sleeping with Apolo Ohno."

"Yes I could."

"No you couldn't."

"I don't want to have a one night stand with Apolo Ohno!"

"Well he's too busy for a relationship. What if you met him at a party, and he was so taken with you he said, 'I travel a lot, so I'm not looking for anything serious, but I would love just one night with you' HOW COULD YOU SAY NO TO THAT?"


Jason gives up. We walk a little farther. There is silence and much contemplation as the sun sets.

"Ok fine. You win. I'd sleep with Apolo Ohno!"

Jason's face lights up. "Goooooood!!!"

I laugh.

Palpatine Jason

ANAKIN: What have I done?

PALPATINE: You are fulfilling your destiny, Anakin. Become my apprentice. Learn to use the dark side of the Force.

ANAKIN: I will do whatever you ask.


ANAKIN: I pledge myself to your teachings. To the ways of the Sith.

PALPATINE: Good. Good. The Force is strong with you. A powerful Sith you will become. Henceforth, you shall be known as Darth . . . Vader.

ANAKIN: Thank you, my Master.

PALPATINE: Rise, Darth Vader.

"Just let me be your mentor, Lisa. I'll teach you the ways of the dark side. You like Ewan McGregor, right?"


"What if you met him, and he said, in his best Obi-Wan Kenobi voice: "Lisa, I don't make it to this part of the universe very often, but I couldn't help but notice you from across the room. How about we go back to my hotel and..."

"Ahhh! Ok! I give up!"


Gary Means said...

*Applause* Great story!

taintedsky said...

Thanks, Gary! Glad you enjoyed it. I already have a new blog entry idea formulating in my mind...