Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Too Little, Too Late

Dearest Annie,

On my way home from work tonight, there was an ambulance on Magnolia Blvd. As I pulled over to let him to pass, I noticed that the driver wasn't quite behaving normally. He was driving rather slowly, and eventually paused a long time in the middle of the road. The lights were flashing and the siren was sputtering, as if he couldn't decide whether to turn it on or off. Then he slowly pulled onto a dead end street.

I continued to drive merrily on my way, but as I looked in my rear view mirror, I could see the poor fellow turning around. Again, I yielded to let him pass. He was obviously very disoriented on his journey to what may have been a life or death situation. It must have taken him a minute or two to slowly catch up to me as I was halted there on the side of the road. He paused yet again, and eventually turned left on a side street. I've never seen such a slow ambulance! I snickered at the irony of it all as I continued home. Somewhere someone was dying, and the ambulance sent to save the poor chap was frightfully lost!

"It could have been me..." I thought, in a desperate attempt to not make light of such a grave situation. That didn't much help. I continued snickering.

It is interesting how much timing plays a role in our everyday lives. Some call it fate, some call it an "act of God," but I like to call it coincidence. I'm not saying that God doesn't intervene in the minutiae of our lives, I just mean: "Who am I to assume any given event is a divine sign from above that I should to this or that?"

There has been lots of ironic timing in my life these past few months... an unexpected guest at the roller rink, a flower unknowingly left on my doorstep just minutes before I break up with its sender, an email delivered only hours too late...

Back to the present.

I park my car, gather my belongings and, in an unusual moment of productivity, decide I should probably check my mail box. I usually only check the mail once a week. I open the thing, which is stuffed full of newspaper coupons and Netflix DVDs. As I extract the crumpled mess, my eye catches a glimpse of a small envelope resting at the bottom of the box. Call it sixth sense or feminine intuition... I know immediately what it is:
6.24.2009
Dear Lisa,


My heart feels so joyous now. I just wanted to write you an encouraging note. I enjoy our talks, laughs, encouragements and inspirations. You are so smart, talented, funny, caring, and very beautiful. You inspire me!!! I pray the Lord will quickly show us the way and remind us to trust in Him always. He knows what our desires will be. We have had many trials and yet we continue to learn for God is good.

Yours Truly,
________

I am mortified. There are tears. Six days ago, Annie. Six whole days.

WHO STILL SENDS TIMELY
MESSAGES
VIA SNAIL MAIL??!

At any given moment I have 2-3 men showing interest in me. It is really tough to figure out

a. which ones actually LIKE me
b. which ones I might like
c. when to take the risk and date one of them?

Sometimes I just wish they'd all go away!!!!


CAVEMAN (I should ask David Cho to illustrate this) :
SEE WOMAN.
LIKE WOMAN.
MUST HAVE WOMAN.
KNOCK WOMAN ON HEAD.
DRAG WOMAN HOME.
MODERN MAN:
Hmmmm. She's kinda cute... can I do better? Yeah, I think I can do better. Do I really want to date right now anyway? I have so much I want to accomplish before I "settle down." Wow! Family Guy is on. I'm so glad I bought this big screen TV...

Mmmmm... popcorn.


But back to the letter...

Endearing as this scented missive might be, perhaps it is too little too late? It is flattering, I'll give it that, but still it lacks true conviction: "I pray the Lord will quickly show us the way... He knows what our desires will be..."

What are your desires you FOOL?
Why do you torture me so?

Perhaps our lost ambulance driver could have used a GPS. God, however, does not provide us with a divine decree for every decision in our lives. In a way, the bible is our GPS, and as I mentioned above, in it, MEN WERE DECISIVE! Can you imagine Adam, upon beholding Eve for the first time as he arose from his deep slumber, proclaiming to God, "What's this? Can't you do any better?"

I'm not advocating a man marry the first woman he meets. All I'm saying is if he finds her "smart, talented, funny, caring and very beautiful," as my would-be suitor proclaims, then why not pursue her with true conviction and Godly intent?! If his decision is not to pursue me, or he is unsure of his feelings, then why is he telling me all these lovely things in the first place?

I'm starting to sound bitter, so I'll shut up now.

Undecidedly Yours (Truly!!!),
Taintedsky

7 comments:

A. Roberts said...

It slays me how an ambulance gives you laughter but a letter from THE MOST EVIL MAN ON THE PLANET moves you to tears!

Anyway, this was so funny I died. Very well done. I hope your kids see this someday.

taintedsky said...

This man is not the most evil man on the planet. But I HAVE dated the most evil man on the planet. He will be the subject of my next blog.

(Stay Tuned)

A. Roberts said...

"Ultimately, it is the desire, not the desired, that we love."

-Nietzscheykins

taintedsky said...

There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.

- George Bernard Shaw

David Cho said...

A couple of thoughts.

I know this post is not about me, but if you'd let me indulge for a moment:

This post has inspired me to look for an ex-girlfriend: someone who is willing to skip the relationship phase with me, and go straight to ex status. Let me know if you know anyone who'd be interested in me as an ex-boyfriend.

As to your post, I believe this man who is the subject of your posting (Does he read your blog?) is looking for a future Stepford wife. You may be "caring" and "beautiful" to be one but the first three traits mentioned in the letter disqualify you.

Notice it does not say "godly," which is a code word for Stepford wifehood.

Really enjoyed your gay story (yours too, Annie). No wonder girls don't joke about being a gay man trapped in a woman's body. I am still proud to be a lesbian trapped a man's body.

Gary Means said...

He gave you a "scented letter"? interesting. Does he seem vaguely confused at times?

taintedsky said...

Yes it was scented!

Confused? Ha ha. I wish he was confused, but I think he just likes the idea of someone liking him.