WOMAN DIES OF UNDYING DEVOTION

By Lisa Gilbert

Friday night, Ms. Ariel Morgan, a Southern California resident, was found dead in her North Hollywood apartment. While investigators have not ruled out homicide, her tragic demise seems to have been self-inflicted. "It appears that Ms. Morgan died of undying devotion," says Detective Reynolds of the North Hollywood Police Department. "I see this all the time... it's a classic case of Hamlet and Ophelia."

Authorities are not sure, as of yet, who the object of her affection might have been. A hundred candles were found in Ariel's apartment, along with what appears to be an unaddressed love note. The most striking evidence in this case, remarkably, is the peculiar letter-shaped lacerations:

I L O V E

discovered on Ariel's neck. However, Ms. Morgan apparently perished before carving out an actual name. "It appears that Ariel accidentally gouged her jugular, and the rest is history," lamented a teary-eyed Reynolds, "In my thirty years on the force, I've never seen a case of unrequited love this gut-wrenching."

Miss Morgan's family is devastated, as well. "Ariel had a few men showing interest in her, but we had no idea anything had gone this far." A friend, who wishes to remain anonymous, disclosed to reporters that Ariel was extremely devoted, and once she fell for a man, he could do no wrong in her eyes. "The word 'no' was simply not in her vocabulary."

UCLA psychology professor, Belinda Havarti, informed LA Times reporters that there have been an increasing number of these cases in the United States over the past ten years. Psychologists unanimously blame the phenomenon on movies such as Twilight. "Women watch these films and get an unrealistic idea of what love is," says Havarti, who suspicions the root of this disorder stems much deeper than originally surmised: "Not every man turns out to be a 'Mr. Darcy.' We just have to get that through our thick skulls. There are far more 'Mr. Wickhams' in the world, tragically."

The real question of the hour is, even if Ms. Morgan is technically responsible for her own death, could this still be ruled a homicide? The National Organization for Women thinks yes. "Men should not get away with taking advantage of women like this. This man, whoever he is, needs to be punished," says NOW's president, Nancy Jones. " The ACLU has also exhibited extreme interest in this case.

Detectives are still hunting down the culprit. "Until we find him, we'll have no idea what really happened to this poor young woman," says Detective Reynolds. "All we have is her note." Authorities would not release Ms. Morgan's letter to the public due to sensitivity issues; however, it is rumored the last line of the note reads something to the effect of:

Not Again! Why? Why? Why?

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Love,
Taintedsky