Thursday, September 4, 2008

Pizza & Perfection

Dear Annie,

I know my last blog seemed like a joke, but the sad thing is, it was completely genuine. I had just finished typing “6PM” when my phone rang... half a pizza later and a completely wasted evening, I’m sitting here typing this to you. Instead of going on my five mile walk while listening to sermons on my iPod, I consumed inordinate amounts of cheese and white flour, and watched television. My apartment is a disaster (I threw everything on the floor after returning from retreat, and have yet to pick it up).

Normally I am clean and responsible, but when things get overwhelmingly out of control I don’t know where to begin anew.

Recently, in a conversation with a fellow Epochian, I exclaimed, “I have no will-power!” It turns out that this seems to be another “no no” phrase in Grace culture, because (I surmise) it implies I am trying to do things on my own without any help from God. The correct word is “discipline.” I have no discipline. This is due to my perfectionism. If I cannot get it right the first time, or perfect every time, I don't want to do it at all. If I am dieting and I slip just once, I give up entirely. If I make plans to read every night before I fall asleep, and skip just once, I will never pick up that book again. For crying out loud, if I resolve to do something as simple as take a vitamin pill, and miss just one day, chances are I never open that bottle again.

I can’t resolve to control just one aspect of my life at a time, either. It is an all or nothing endeavor. I must exercise two hours a day, eat perfectly, read a book of the bible every day, and teach myself a new language... all at once, or do none of it. Perhaps I am trying to rely too much on myself after all...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?

I suppose one might say this is way too personal for a public blog. I DON’T CARE! I need to put it down on virtual paper so I can suffer a little. I need a written record of my misery that I may look back to five years from now.

(At least the pizza was amazing... garlic and sun dried tomatoes... yum!)

Love,
Taintedsky

5 comments:

Hohn C said...

Jargon is just jargon. The Bible also highlights the importance of self-control (1 Cor. 9:25, Gal. 5:23, 2 Pet. 1:6). Elders need to be self-controlled (Tit. 1:8). For the most part, the jargon is a shorthand that some people are more readily able to understand, thus leading to a greater efficiency in communication. And I suppose some people might be more likely to be stumbled by some words, so to be mindful to them, the jargon can be handy as well. It's really not a big deal, so long as you are processing the real meanings behind the jargon.

Hohn C said...

As for the perfectionism, I often suffer from the same thing (perhaps not to the same level, however). I generally cast off the things I'm not very good at as a waste of time. For the things I am decent at, or things that I can develop a proficiency for, I either tend to enjoy those pursuits, or I pursue them because I know that I need to. I guess for me, I just learned to get over it. I don't have a verse handy for you right now, but over time, I just figured that it helped my life to pursue certain things, even if I could do them perfectly or be the best at them.

Hohn C said...

"even if I couldN'T do them perfectly"

taintedsky said...

True true.

I cast off activities all the time. I will buy all the materials & equipment, quickly realize I am not the greatest at it, then forget all about it. The only hobby I haven't cast aside is roller skating and I'm definitely not the best at that!

It is hard to continue good habits though, if you know what I mean. I suppose it is more about controlling one's impulsive tendencies than anything. Overcoming temptation... loving Christ more than yourself and your sinful desires.

Hohn C said...

"It is hard to continue good habits though"

And that is exactly why we need to make them HABITS. :)