Dear Annie,
I know my last blog seemed like a joke, but the sad thing is, it was completely genuine. I had just finished typing “6PM” when my phone rang... half a pizza later and a completely wasted evening, I’m sitting here typing this to you. Instead of going on my five mile walk while listening to sermons on my iPod, I consumed inordinate amounts of cheese and white flour, and watched television. My apartment is a disaster (I threw everything on the floor after returning from retreat, and have yet to pick it up).
Normally I am clean and responsible, but when things get overwhelmingly out of control I don’t know where to begin anew.
Recently, in a conversation with a fellow Epochian, I exclaimed, “I have no will-power!” It turns out that this seems to be another “no no” phrase in Grace culture, because (I surmise) it implies I am trying to do things on my own without any help from God. The correct word is “discipline.” I have no discipline. This is due to my perfectionism. If I cannot get it right the first time, or perfect every time, I don't want to do it at all. If I am dieting and I slip just once, I give up entirely. If I make plans to read every night before I fall asleep, and skip just once, I will never pick up that book again. For crying out loud, if I resolve to do something as simple as take a vitamin pill, and miss just one day, chances are I never open that bottle again.
I can’t resolve to control just one aspect of my life at a time, either. It is an all or nothing endeavor. I must exercise two hours a day, eat perfectly, read a book of the bible every day, and teach myself a new language... all at once, or do none of it. Perhaps I am trying to rely too much on myself after all...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?
I suppose one might say this is way too personal for a public blog. I DON’T CARE! I need to put it down on virtual paper so I can suffer a little. I need a written record of my misery that I may look back to five years from now.
(At least the pizza was amazing... garlic and sun dried tomatoes... yum!)
Love,
Taintedsky
Thursday, September 4, 2008
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5 comments:
Jargon is just jargon. The Bible also highlights the importance of self-control (1 Cor. 9:25, Gal. 5:23, 2 Pet. 1:6). Elders need to be self-controlled (Tit. 1:8). For the most part, the jargon is a shorthand that some people are more readily able to understand, thus leading to a greater efficiency in communication. And I suppose some people might be more likely to be stumbled by some words, so to be mindful to them, the jargon can be handy as well. It's really not a big deal, so long as you are processing the real meanings behind the jargon.
As for the perfectionism, I often suffer from the same thing (perhaps not to the same level, however). I generally cast off the things I'm not very good at as a waste of time. For the things I am decent at, or things that I can develop a proficiency for, I either tend to enjoy those pursuits, or I pursue them because I know that I need to. I guess for me, I just learned to get over it. I don't have a verse handy for you right now, but over time, I just figured that it helped my life to pursue certain things, even if I could do them perfectly or be the best at them.
"even if I couldN'T do them perfectly"
True true.
I cast off activities all the time. I will buy all the materials & equipment, quickly realize I am not the greatest at it, then forget all about it. The only hobby I haven't cast aside is roller skating and I'm definitely not the best at that!
It is hard to continue good habits though, if you know what I mean. I suppose it is more about controlling one's impulsive tendencies than anything. Overcoming temptation... loving Christ more than yourself and your sinful desires.
"It is hard to continue good habits though"
And that is exactly why we need to make them HABITS. :)
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